Yesterday I had gone to the library with a forgotten mental list of updates I wanted to make to this website. The thing with coming up with tons of ideas right before you sleep is, you expect yourself to remember everything when you wake up, but you really don't. I sat at one of the library computers sort of blankly staring at my neocities profile trying to remember what I had wanted to do, but eventually settled with reading by myself until the high school across the street got out. This one girl comes to the library every day after school because she doesn't have her own car and has to rely on her brother to pick her up, but he always thinks he has better things to do. The other girl only comes two or three times every week because she's waiting for her mom to come pick her up and take her to a different school to take a class that the high school doesn't offer, but is required to graduate. They both have to take three of these, and they're both failing all three. I think if I had to go to the library every day, I'd go crazy. Not that it's a bad place or anything, but I really hated having to leave the house five times a week to go to school, it'd be even worse to have to then spend and hour at the library, and then go to two or three other classes at a different school.

Saw my therapist yesterday. Her office is in an interesting part of town. You always get approached by at least one person, even when you aren't doing anything. Yesterday I got hit with a Scott Pilgrim reference.
"You hair, it's all red..."
It is...
"You know that movie?" no... "Where the girl always changes her hair color" ohhhh... yes!
"You're beautiful though!"
Thank you....... so much
If you couldn't tell already, I'm not great in social situations. When he opened his passenger door, there was about five boxes of Newports on the ground.

I have the type of therapist that I feel like I can't really be 100% honest in front of [redacted] it's just hard to not tell her what's really eating me up inside [redacted] You really can't tell a woman who has one kid and another on the way that you think people who have children are selfish and that the real reason you aren't getting any sleep is because you can't stop thinking about overpopulation. [redacted] Sometimes I think about this guy at my mom's work that she mentioned wanted to set me up with. Isn't that strange? [redacted] a seventeen-year-old girl to be dating a twenty-six-year-old man? Who knows, maybe it was the guy with all those Newports in his car.

The other day I mentioned possibly moving out, maybe even in the next two months, but being hesitant because of having to move my stuff and not wanting to leave behind my bedroom and all. But after thinking it through, I'll be fine. I think I'll move out this year. I had a dream that I moved in with a single mother in her late thirties who was taking night classes at the community college. That sounds nice, I don't think I could stand to live with a kid, though. I don't even like people my own age. It's stressful to look for a room to stay when people never give any information about themselves, just who they're willing to give the room to. No couples, must have a job, no pets, no smoking, don't be loud.

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March 2, 2023
TL;DR: Slightly unorganized rambling that I might go back and separate into paragraphs later. Mainly talking about my life and going to shows and missing Annalise.

First time I've updated anything on this site in 5 days which really feels like an eternity. I feel like I suck at writing now. Literally every time I write here I mentioning having a ton of ideas and updating this website a bunch but in all honestly I really have no ideas right now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Took The Catcher In The Rye off of the little list of books on my about page because I reread it recently and came to the realization that I'm a huge phony and don't actually like it that much. Replaced it with Choke because Victor Mancini >>>> Holden Caulfield.

Last night someone on r/brandnew found this playlist of b-sides, pretty cool! Apparently I didn't have like half of these listed on my BN page (Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder)

Started playing Overwatch again. Went outside in the snow at around 11 last night because it was super bright out for some reason. I've been spending every day either at the library or just sleeping because I don't feel like doing anything lately. I was thinking about moving out soon (as in like, possibly before I turn 18 and graduate high school), but I'm kind of really a hoarder and have too much of an emotional connection to my current bedroom that I can't stand the thought of having to move my things in any way. ALSO, I was literally at the library like two days ago and there was like 4 other kids sitting in the same area as me, and suddenly these three girls walked by us and one of them said "Oh so this is where the dorks hang out." In all honesty I can't really be too upset because 1. it's true and 2. it was too funny, even if she really had something against these 5 random teenagers sitting in the manga section of the library

Cursive is going on tour sooooon but the nearest show has a 21+ venue ;-; apparently The Hotelier are doing a "fair bit" of shows this year.

This past week I've had like 3 dreams about Annalise (my friend). I was supposed to see her a few months ago but I impulsively started taking everything in my parents' medicine cabinet the night before and woke up the next day unable to do anything. We both sort of have this thing where we stopped talking to anyone we know on social media, meaning they can only contact us through our phone numbers or by trying to find us IRL. However, the main issue with this is that we don't have each other's phone numbers, which really means that we just need to find each other in person, which is most often when we telepathically schedule our therapy appointments on the same day right after each other so we can finally see each other in the waiting room. It'd be a really phony move to just show up at her house, so I'm patiently waiting to randomly see her or our one mutual friend somewhere in public.

Anyways.

I have an unfinished painting and a half-learned Brand New song on guitar, both of which I could easily finish in a day, but laying in bed listening to pretentious music and reading pretentious books seems a lot more appealing. I kind of lied at the beginning because I do have like two unfinished pages for this site and another one I plan on making, but what is true is I just don't feel like working on it.

Update like 6 hours later: I forgot to mention two more things related to this website:
1. I feel like I'm constantly having an identity crisis with how I want this website to look, but honestly I'm really happy with it right now. The main issue I'm having is that it kind of bothers me that the index sort of has a different aesthetic to everything else, but I still really like it so it will stay.

2. I kind of really want to change the domain name of this site in a few months (since the current one expires this summer). I don't know if I mentioned it but it comes from .44 Caliber Love Letter by Alexisonfire (it's also the name of another band). I'd change it but my main concern is that at least two different people have my website linked on theirs (thank you for that by the way, I'm glad at least someone likes this it enough to go through the effort of linking it), so those links would no longer direct to here D:

Also I went back and separated everything I wrote every time I changed subjects (which is like every one or two sentences).

Still obsessed with Home, Like Noplace Is There after hearing it for the first time like 7 years ago. Going to do a painting of the album cover this week to fill up some of the blank space on my walls. Deja Entendu was being recorded this month 20 years ago! Finally listened to Vin Accardi's old band (One Last Goodbye), to me they sound better than The Rookie Lot (...and maybe even better than some of the songs on YFW). Too bad there's no recorded shows or anything like that online.

Looked through some of the files on my computer and saw a couple of pages I was working on for this site but just forgot about, so hopefully I can finish those and they'll end up here soon enough.

Might start playing overwatch again. Again, had more to say but I forgot!!

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Recently, I've gotten a bit bored of the grandma-type aesthetic that this site had for several months, so I've been remaking some of the pages I'm not happy with anymore. The Brand New fanpage is probably my favorite page on this site, and I'm considering adding more to the bio section of it because they have an interesting history. "The amount of fucking-over that goes on is astounding. It's like a heightened reality" - comment on an early 2000's livejournal thread about the Long Island music scene. The other day I checked out their myspace using the wayback machine for the first time. Nothing interesting, just tour updates and links to their music and merch, I did download the few pictures that were on there though.

In December I mentioned a painting I had done for my older sister, and a few weeks ago she told me she planned on getting it tattooed! The only real family connection we have is both having the same father. When she grew up, he was physically absent and has never really meant her. Now he's just emotionally absent ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ We both have A LOT in common though, which is pretty cool. Same interests and same appearance.

Had more to say but I forgot.

SO! I really like the idea of making these really long, in-depth pages about a specific topic. I came up with the idea at first to write out a full comprehensive history of emo (which I'll probably end up doing at some point, considering it's a topic I've been interested in for several years at this point and can already just list off the top of my head. also because all of the petty drama in the 2000's is just too funny to not address), but I feel like it's kind of become a topic that a lot of people don't really care about anymore, which is why I'm going to keep it as a side project while I work on other things. But what I'm pretty sure I'm going to is make a fan page dedicated to LOONA. Their history is really interesting and all the little details in their mv would be cool to document on a webpage, but also every LOONA fanpage I could find on neocities has been abandoned.

Now I had originally planned to host this hypothetical LOONA fanpage on this site with the Brand New and Cat Marnell pages, but when I started thinking about it, I realized that what I want to do would probably take up A LOT more room than those other 2 pages take. Because of this, I'm considering making a new site just for LOONA, but then it turns into some weird loop because the main reason why I wanted to do a new page was so this site would have more content, but then there would be so much that I'd need to put it on a new site.

Speaking of abandoned music pages, I removed the link of my music page from the index's sidebar because I've neglected it so much. It'll probably be back in a few months or so when I add more to it. The CD collection part of it was pretty cool though. Just got the 20th anniversary version of Cursive's Domestica... really cool!

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Proof of life! Finally fixed a couple of pages and added a few things, but unfortunately my music page is a bit neglected right now and I don't have the motivation to work on it. Looked at all of my classes and made a schedule so I can graduate on time, instead of just doing my work whenever I feel like it and then suffering the anxiety that I'm not getting enough done. Made a new layout for this page (again), but this time I'm actually really happy with it. I had updated it a few days ago, but the tabs on the side were broken and I couldn't figure out how to fix them until I spent about an hour on it this morning.

FINALLY got my copy of Deja Entendu. To prevent another long-winded tangent about Brand New, I will instead redirect to the page I made specifically about them. Scroll down to my collection in the 'testimony' section to read a paragraph about it.

Got really into The Hotelier again for the first time in about 7 years. I forgot how good of an album Home, Like Noplace Is There, is, I really have a newfound appreciation for it because I never really interpreted the lyrics the first time I got into them.

My dad really hates my mom. Sometimes I feel bad for her because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the two main people in my life hating me, but as soon as she comes home from work and starts talking to me, I remember why I don't like her either. If they were to get divorced, then we'd probably all end up couch surfing since our income is so inconsistent. Right now the main grievance is that my mom is making the most money in an extremely stable job with what seems like a really nice work environment that I know a lot of people would kill to be in. But all she does is complain about it because she hates doing actual work. For about a year she was supposed to be working from home, but her "work" mainly consisted of scrolling through tiktok all day, waiting for the phone to ring.

I always think of Conor Oberst, and how he lived with a 24-year-old woman when he was 17.

I've always hated how she always has to make everything about appearances. I've had an off-and-on eating disorder for the past several years, influenced mainly because of her countless comments about her own weight that I've had to hear since before I could even interpret what weight was. There were a couple of times where I should've been hospitalized, but wasn't, and was just kept home from school for a couple days. When I'd go back I felt too weak to do anything and spent most of my effort trying to look like I wasn't tired of living. Best part of it all is that she hasn't lost any weight in the past decade, while I've been all skin and bones because I can't stand to eat because of her.

I still have the first smartphone anyone in my family has owned. It turns up every couple of years when someone happens to be looking for something else. It's really like a time capsule, with various Christian rock songs from the 2000's and photos of me as a kid. It's so difficult to look at those photos and imagine everything that had happened to me. Occasionally I'll look through every old photo of me on my dad's computer, and I'll think about how I only wore long sleeves for half of the time I was in middle school because I couldn't stop cutting myself.

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[transcribed from my notebook]
I'm at the public library writing this in a tiny sketchbook I've had for ~4.5 years because I've officially given up on using my broken laptop. The sketchbook has a couple anime-style drawings of kpop idols from when I was 13, and inappropriate amount of Brand New lyrics, a drawing for my college art class that references Taking Back Sunday (a thousand clever lines, unread on clever napkins! ^^), a movie ticket from April 1, 2021 that I went to with my Favorite Friend™ (who I mentioned the other day), emo poetry, and a hand-made invitation from my friend when she asked me to homecoming our junior year (she gave me a flower too! But unfortunately I have since lost it)

The last time I came to the library was at the end of October, right after I saw La Dispute. That was also the last time I saw all of my friends. I really miss one of them specifically. Sometimes I check her spotify, and it always surprises me to see that she still puts the Brand New songs I recommended to her 2 years ago in all the new playlists she makes.

I walked around outside and took pictures of everything until I ran out of film. I come to the library in the morning, when most of the people here are elderly because everyone else is either at work or school.

I'd like to go out sometime and collect animal bones, but the only knife I have is my switchblade, which I'm almost 100% sure would break if I tried to cut up something like a deer carcass.

My mom is always worried about my mental state, but she really doesn't understand how it works, no matter how many times me, my psychiatrist, and my therapist have explained it to her. She hates my medication because she thinks it makes me "spacey", when really I'm the happiest I've been in almost a decade. The other night, I took a shower around the same time she went to sleep. A couple hours later I went back into the bathroom, and she suddenly barged in because she had a dream that I killed myself, and she thought I had locked myself in the bathroom for all the hours she had been asleep.

I was supposed to kill myself on May 13, 2022. I put on a record (Science Fiction by Brand New), slit my wrists, and tried to overdose. Right as I was about to pass out my mom came into my bedroom and asked, "are you trying to kill yourself? what did you take?" I told her no, and she left. I didn't see either of my parents until the next day, after I woke up on my bedroom floor. My arms hurt, I was still lightheaded, the record stopped playing hours ago, and the blood had ruined my shirt. My theory is that I really did die that day, and I've just been walking around as a corpse, constantly freezing with skin so pale that it often looks purple.

My wrist is sore. Goodbye for now!

"...We'll skip town, once I'm done stalling!"

---

New layout! I really liked it at first when I came up with it a week ago, but now I'm not too sure... It's a lot easier to read now.

Having a long time friend completely cross the boundaries I set hurts in an indescribable way. It hurts even worse to hear the things other people told me he's done.
Someone I know finding this was the worst thing to ever happen to this site. I was finally comfortable with expressing myself on here, and I was full of ideas, but now it's really hard to do anything because I know he spends all day refreshing my neocities profile page to see when I update. I've been making tons of draft pages and little snippets of writing that I'm not sure will ever make it to the internet.

My favorite friend and I see the same therapist. We don't ever text, but for different reasons.

She has hyper-religious parents and stopped attempting to have a digital social life because they will forever stalk every electronic in the house until she moves out (which I theorize will be the day after she turns eighteen, she'll probably move into a trailer type situation with our other friend, who I believe is currently twenty-one).

I don't text because I'm pretentious.

It's something special to only see each other in between our therapist's appointments. We both know the things that caused us to need therapy, and we can both tell what we're going to talk about in the hour that we each have.

For the first time in almost a year, I finally have a diary page! There's soooo many things I want to write down here, but I'm tired of writing and typing and thinking today. A lot of my diary entries from 2021 haven't really aged well and I ended up eating my words.

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1. edit setepmber 15: I've removed every thing from 2021 because I can't stand the thought of anyone reading it, and most of it was quotes that I have since moved to this page. Everything under "2021 archive" was copied and pasted directly from an old page on this site, and I had never re-read anything since I first wrote it, so reading it again for the first time in about a year is really making me reconsider if I want all this to remain on my website. Most of my life was and still is staying home sick and being depressed and making very poor decisions and listening to Brand New but I don't really think that's something I want to have on here. Also my writing style really makes me cringe, which is somehow worse than putting everything on my life on the internet. It seems disingenuous to go back and edit what are supposed to be diary entries, but I might so I don't have to deal with my old writing (or I might purposely break the link so no one can read them)

2. My computer is pretty much on life support and had crashed the first time I tried to write this, so I honestly don't know how much I'll be able to keep working on this website before it finally becomes completely unusable.

3. Armor For Sleep's new album is really good. Also I'm seeing La Dispute really soon which I genuinely can't believe since I was listening to them since I was like 10 or 11 years old. If I could see any band it'd be Brand New, but I can't see that happening whatsoever in the next couple of years.

4. I really love Cat Marnell's articles on xoJane

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Recently I've been spending my days lying around, watching reality tv, listening to La Dispute, I went to my therapist the other day and I told her that social interaction felt the same as getting on stage and realizing you forgot all of your lines, she told me that my lines can be whatever I want them to be, because nobody else knows what my lines are either.

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On December 24 2021, I had written down a couple paragraphs on my laptop about how I can't properly watch the sun rise from where my bedroom window is positioned, but how 5am was the prettiest time of day during autumn and winter because there would be this blue tint over everything and it wasn't raining anymore but there was still water everywhere. Over the past several months I had completely forgotten about that and only remembered just now because I woke up at 4 and decided to open my window for the first time since December or January. When I was looking through old things I realized that I kind of threw everything away because of my mental illness and all that. I had more friends than I remembered and was starting to enjoy life again, but I stopped going to school, and confronted one of my friends about something that meant a lot to me, but was probably meaningless to her, and I made all my friends either hate me or forget about me in the span of one month. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go to start meeting people again, and I started doing online school, so I've just been socially isolated since April.

ALRIGHT ANYWAYS- I've been working on making a proper index for this website (I mean I do have a proper index, I'm just no satisfied with it) and I started to realize how identical neocities sites have started to become. I made my first site on here in the summer of 2018, and it really felt like everyone was doing their own thing, and all the websites looked unique in some way, but now it seems like everyone has that 2000's anime/japanese inspired website with the same index layout and the fake sanrio and anime ads, and I know my website is probably extremely similar to what I just described (and it really annoys me because I feel like I don't have creativity anymore), but it's just so boring to open up this website and see _____ followed ______ and I'll click on all the websites I've never heard of and they'll all be identical.
It's kind of a meaningless argument because the whole point of neocities is being able to do whatever you want on your website, and there are still a bunch of incredible websites made by amazing people who are so unbelievably creative. I think it mainly just bothers me because I see myself unintentionally making my website looking identical to all the sites I'm criticizing for looking similar, and I feel like I lack the creativity I had when I was thirteen and fourteen.

I like having this page because since I don't have friends anymore, I have to resort to just talking my parents' ears off, but I can just type aimlessly on here and only have to stop when my fingers get sore and I run out of things to say. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because I was able to stop caring about internet drama for a couple of months, and suddenly in the past two weeks I feel like I became addicted to it because I started browsing internet drama forums and Trisha Paytas had her baby (which I could write a whole essay about honestly), and Ice Poseidon came back (his "Mizkif, I brought you into this world and now I'm taking you out" tweet was so insane), and Hampton Brandon came back but I don't care to watch him anymore but I feel like I have to because no one ever archives his streams anymore. A lot of times I wonder how my life would be now if I hadn't been on the internet from the age of nine years old (isn't that insane? I made my Tumblr account when I was nine years old. Check my archives and you can see that my posts go back to when I was ten years old because I deleted everything at one point after only a few months of having Tumblr and one of those posts is the lyrics to Moshi Moshi by Brand New and that's even crazier to me because I started listening to all these emo bands when I was in fourth grade and now I'm finally seeing La Dispute next month after listening to them for the past eight years, and (I'M SORRY FOR THE RUN ON SENTENCES) when I got pulled out of school a few months back I started watching The Creature Hub (which I feel really cringe for mentioning because I don't think anyone knows who they are anymore) again for the first time since I was like ten or eleven and it made me cry a lot because I remember watching their streams and listening to La Dispute and The Hotelier and Tiny Moving Parts, and reblogging fanart on Tumblr, and seeing fan edits on vine, and feeling special because a post I made about them on Tumblr got 3k notes, AND I JUST REALIZED THIS ENTIRE RUN ON SENTENCE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A COUPLE WORDS PUT INTO PARENTHESIS), and I watched BDTV/Black Screen Media TV/Good Idea Gaming/he goes by Salt now and his content is completely different and I miss watching his streams while riding the bus home after school, and going on kiwifarms and lolcow.farm and encyclopedia dramatica and 4chan when I probably should've been doing something that wouldn't have altered my way of thinking in such a severe way and ultimately caused me to be spending my teenage years as a recluse and crying every Friday and Saturday night because I can hear my neighbors having fun and I haven't spoken to someone besides my parents in several months and I can't imagine myself ever having friends again.

I got accepted into an aeronautical university, but I can't afford to go, but I don't really care that much and don't feel like typing now either and I've spent the past hour writing on this website so I'll probably stop now. Oh also I wrote just over 1000 words in about one hour and the essay I just finished for English is 1778 words but took me two weeks to write and I'm a bit disappointed about that, and I thought it was really beautifully written up until about 3 hours after I submitted it. Listen to Irish Car Bomb by Hot Rod Circuit, they're really underrated.

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Woke up with the worst headache of my life (I think it was becacuse I was depressed last night and decided to start taking various prescription medication from around my house) I felt so shitty that I had to cancel plans with my best friend that I hadn't seen since April 23. I'm sooooo sad because I genuinely love her and she's currently the one of the only people in my life that I'm not completely fed up with, and we've planned things and cancelled several times because she'll have to work or she'll get sick or I'll get sick. I love working on this website more than ever, and for the first time since I started it in April 2021, I'm sooo happy with it! Currently working on shrines to TWICE and Cat Marnell, updated the not found page, not really interesting but I really like it, I'll admit it, I'm totally obsessed with overly-sensitive livejournal and myspace poetry from the 2000's.

I'm currently at the public library writing this, which is across the street from the high school that I used to go to. My parents encourage me to come here at least once every two weeks because they think it will help me to make friends my own age, but what I really do here is read and work on this website and listen to La Dispute and watch other teenagers walk around and hang out with their friends. Sometimes I swear I can see the people I used to be friends with walk in, but it's hard to tell because I usually sit around 100-200 ft. from the entrance. Sometimes I stare at them and maybe they'll look back and recognize me, but I look completely different from the last time anyone saw me. I think I'm going to come again on Halloween (which I have a lot to say about but I have other things that I want to write about today), since the library has this Halloween event every year, that my (former) friends volunteer for, so I'm hoping to maybe see them again. Actually, maybe I'll come every day this week.
Speaking of La Dispute, I finally saw them last week! Of course I've loved them for so long (as you can tell by me mentioning them every time I update this page), but they were so incredible live that I fell in love with them even more. Right after I came home I wrote an embarrassingly emotional rant about how much they mean to me and how amazing they were live.
I don't want to give an exact setlist just to hide exactly where I live, but the setlist for every show was generally the same: all of Wildlife, then the encore is Andria, followed by two other songs. I never realized how much this band meant to me until I went and remembered how good of an album Wildlife was, and the two songs in the encore just so happened to be the first songs that got me into La Dispute.
Sweet Pill (the opening band) was so amazing as well! I had only listened to their album once and I already knew they were good, but they sounded even better live.

When I started writing this I mentioned staring at people that I thought I knew until they noticed, but this time it actually worked and one of my best friends from my junior year came over and talked to me. We talked for nearly two hours, and planned to meet again this Wednesday with our other friend for this cheesy Halloween bingo thing. Something else I had mentioned when I first started writing this (aproximately six hours ago) was the Halloween event the library has every year, but I guess this year it's multiple events, so I picked up a list of them. Some notable events include anime club and LARPing as detectives (their words, not mine!).

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Thank you to everyone who left a comment on my profile, you're all so kind ♡ I've been working on a page dedicated to a lot of the things that helped me get through a rough childhood, it might be up in a week or so. I'm also considering making a website button so people can link back to this page. I hope to add a section (likely on the site index) for other people's site buttons. Changed the playlist on the home page so it wouldn't be all La Dispute songs.
Wednesday went well, I saw a couple of old friends, I don't really have much to say about that. I talked to my therapist this week and we came up with a plan for me to be able to finish school on time. The issue I'm having is that it's supposed to be at your own pace, but unfortunately I've been depressed and unmotivated and am only ~10% through most of my classes when I had hoped to be 50% through by the end of December.

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I remember seeing someone recommend "...To the Beat of a Dead Horse" and "Parting the Sea Between Brightness and Me" on their website and I couldn't be more grateful because I listened to those recently and they were amazing! I wanted to get into Touché Amoré because I loved their split EP with La Dispute.
Something that really annoys me is when people attempt to critique society, but focus on how people are expressing more creativity than ever, instead of other genuine issues. What's so bad about dyed hair, interesting fashion choices, and people expressing who they are through their apperance?
I'm super stressed about my computer. It's a Microsoft Surface Go 2, and just after the warranty expired (what a coincidence, huh) the screen started having severe issues. A quote from someone else that explains it pretty well is "flickering bands of visual noise similar to a CRT TV with poor reception". At some point I'm going to try 1. connecting my laptop to a monitor (which is so annoying considering the reason I prefer a laptop is because I can just sit in bed all day while working on various things), or 2. taking it to a local shop that fixes broken screens (i think), although I'm not so sure if that may involve actually logging into my laptop and seeing all the cringey things I do online. If anyone I knew irl saw this website I'd probably delete it and never talk to anyone again out of embarrassment.

Every 2-3 weeks I back up my files on a flash drive because I'm so scared that one day my computer's just not going to turn on. Sometimes the easiest way to get rid of the screen static issue is to shut my laptop and open it again 20 seconds later, and I did this earlier and my computer shut off and wouldn't turn on for about 2 hours. My computer gets worse and worse each day, and my worst fear is that I'll lose the work in progress pages for this website because I didn't back them up in time.

Once in a while I remember that when I was in 7th grade I'd ride the bus to and from school, and all the elementary school students sat in the front, and the middle school students sat in the back, and I had the misfortune of everyone sitting in the back with me just so happened to be the group of friends who would always tease me. Sometimes I feel like I was just repulsive because people have started to say that when someone is hated or bullied, then they must be really insufferable for that many people to dislike them. I think the reason that this select group of people didn't like me was because I was (am) awful with social skills / social queues, and they thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
So everyday I'd sit by myself while this group of about 6 people would sit in the seats around me, and I'd just read books, and every five or ten minutes someone would start asking me these kind-of normal questions about things I like and the book I was reading, but then as soon as we'd finish out 30 second conversation they'd all start giggling which I'm still pretty confused about nearly five years later. But one day only one of them was on the bus, and I was reading my book as usual, and then suddenly he just started showing me photos and videos of his dog and neither of us said anything and it was kind of a weird but wholesome moment. And I remember this once in a while and it's just so strange to me, but at the same time that was probably the nicest thing that someone besides my mom has done (IRL I mean, the people I've interacted with on neocities have all been really nice).

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Fixed the centering on some pages because I realized they didn't look right when I pulled up this website on different monitors. Almost every page on this website had like 200px of empty space at the top and you'd have to scroll down to see everything. Still need to fix my about page (which should be pretty easy I hope) and "stolen from some great writer", which I haven't updated in forever, and just recently noticed that the text extends completely out of the containers. That's one of the first pages I made for this site and I'm like 70% sure that I just made a container with a white background, and then put the text in a div layered on top of the background div instead of inside the div... embarrasing!
also the background image disappeared while I was attempting to fix the page :(

Going through everything on this page and deleting certain things because a certain someone won't leave me alone and has spent the last 3 or so years making fake accounts to talk to me... A couple of weeks ago I mentioned wanting to be 50% through all of my classes by the end of 2022 and thinking I wouldn't be able to achieve that, but honestly now I think I probably could. Currently working on a painting for my older half-sister that no one in my family has really met IRL but has a loooooooot in common with me. Ideally it should be done by tomorrow, but I might not finish it until Wednesday or so.

Met this really cool photographer today. He was standing outside of the record store taking pictures of people who walked by. Some guy got really upset about it and started recording him with his cellphone. We talked for a minute or two about old man sweaters and how aggro that guy was. Talked to the owner of the record store and he ordered Deja Entendu for me. The Devil and God was just restocked the other day and I finally got the chance to buy it. After I have all 5 of their albums I'm probably not going to go crazy about getting all their singles (I already have Mene and I Am A Nightmare, but I'm not going to go searching for the Jude Law or Quiet Things or Jesus LPs, or anything by The Rookie Lot)

Forcing myself to play Overwatch so I can unlock everything from the battle pass to get my $10 worth (in all honesty, I only wanted it for the DVa skin). Today was fun. I think I finally got over whatever made me hate being around people for 80% of 2022, so I'm going to keep going out and talking to people again.

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Going to finish my painting today and send it to my sister, I'll try to put a picture here tomorrow. I'll have a lot more time to work on this website now, which is cool because I finally have a lot more ideas! Not much to say because I've been spending most of my time trying to get that painting done as soon as possible. I'm finally happy again : )
Talked to one of my friends for the first time since April, went really well. I didn't expect to recieve 'Don't feel bad about choosing who to interact with, worse that will happen is someone might be a little upset, don't get so distressed' (extreme paraphrasing here) as advice, I also didn't expect it to work so well. I felt more at ease after that, so I've been able to get a lot more done in the past few days because I'm not wasting as much time contemplating what I should do, what I shouldn't do, etc.

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Finally got TDAGARIM in the mail today, I'm going to go back to the record store in a week or two to look for Deja. Was thinking about redoing the layout of this page, but I can't really think of anything yet. I'll probably just wait until having a winter-themed page isn't fitting anymore. I lied about putting a picture of the painting I did on here, because I don't feel like uploading it. I want(ed) to work on this website today, but I've just been sitting at my computer for the past two hours mindlessly scrolling through tumblr and listening to kpop. Some of the ideas I've had for this website were fan pages for Overwatch and various kpop idols, but I'm not even really sure what to put on those kinds of pages. I've seen people talk about what the subject is and then go into what it means to them, but I think I just have issues expressing how much I really love certain things. If I put something on my site and then refuse to look at the page after I've uploaded it, that's how I know I've written something awful.

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Ordered a film camera, because I'm that pretentious, and also because I just really like the feel of the type of photos they take. I'm seriously super happy now. This website is probably the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I think I'm going to update my about page with some more information. Currently working on the music page because I finally got some ideas of what to put on it. I tend to ramble a lot, which I learned is actually pretty good for filling some of the space out on this website. I got a comment a few weeks ago saying that my website was "truly.. straight from the heart!" And I think that's a really good representation of what I want 44caliber.net to be, a digital representation of my heart.
I'm soooo happy for tumblr's archive feature because it allows me to see everything I've ever liked and kind of what my personality was like. At the same time it's a bit sad to see how insecure I was and I remember reblogging a lot of pictures of self harm before they banned nsfw content. Accidently slammed my car door on my leg and now I have a huge bruise covering my left calf D: I don't really like Overwatch 2. Playing D.Va is super fun because of all the buffs, but I hate not being able to unlock cosmetics without spending the money, especially because the new skins are so cool. Stayed up late watching SSoHPKC and Uberhaxornova's Minecraft playthroughs for the first time in about 8 years or so.

TL;DR: super happy, lots of ideas that will manifest on this site soon enough!

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Is buccal fat removal a trend now? Either way, I did it before it was cool! (AS IN I DID IT TO MYSELF AND SUFFERED THE CONSEQUENCES FOR SEVERAL MONTHS!) I really hate plastic surgery, it really hurts to see women feel like they have to pay thousands to appeal to a beauty standard that will probably change in a couple years...
Went out for dinner with my parents tonight because it's my mom's birthday. It's kind of cool to have a small family made up of 3 introverts. Hearing people talk about spending the holidays with an absurd amount of extended family sounds like Hell.
I want to change the layout of this page just a bit so I can add images, I really lack ideas for layouts at the moment though. It took soooooo long for the therapy and medication to finally improve my mental state, but now I'm more motivated to do things than ever (... only issue is that it currently doesn't apply to this website!!)