Honest Sleep - Touché Amoré
This morning I got an email reading "stolen from some great writer turned 8 today! We hope it was a great year, and we look forward to sharing many more!"... aka my tumblr account turned 8 years old today...
1. I was NINE years old when I made my tumblr D:
2. Next year I turn 18 and my account will be 9 years old, meaning that I will officially have spent half of my life on tumblr
3. Why was 2014 8 years ago? My brain is stuck in 2018...
I'm a bit upset at my ten year old self for deleting every post on my blog in September of 2015. One of the oldest posts that's still up is a screenshot of Skillet from 12oz. Mouse (♥) and I mention it being my 100th post in the tags... I want to see what those first 100 posts were!
November 24, 2022
Screaming - Loathe
The other day I got a letter saying I got a scholarship that pays for half of the tuition for one of the best schools in the state. I don't think I want to go. I thought I was really into math and science and all that until I started my senior year and couldn't pick up pre-calculus and physics. My parents are really pushing me to go into computer science (mainly because they think my decent HTML means I'll do well). I took CSC105 this summer, and it was surprisingly fun (it's also the only college course that I've ever really cared enough about to actually put effort into it). But I think the main reason I don't want to go is because I'm really fucking retarded and I don't think my parents have realized that yet.
I might try to get a job at CVS after I learn how to drive, since I feel really guilty whenever my parents spend money on me (thank you mom and dad for funding my obsession with music, even though I'm God awful at playing instruments despite having tried to learn for years ♥)
New layout for the music page, I really like it. The problem is that when I come up with a new layout that I really like, I get the urge to change everything on my site. I think the most I'll do though is just change the fonts on certain pages. I do plan on redoing the lyrics / quotes / whatever page. I really can't stand how it looks. It's also the page with the least effort put into it (but that's pretty obvious)
Goodnight friends, I'm going to go listen to Touché Amoré and redo my English quizzes to get my grade up just in case I severely fuck up on my final exams or something
November 17, 2022
Harder Harmonies - La Dispute
I fear someone I know irl might have found this site ;-; I'm super anxious about who it might be and how they found it. Deleting this site and all other social media is my last resort. I really don't want to have to do that, but I've had some strange experiences with people I know irl finding what I do online.
Currently working on a page dedicated to Brand New, I really like how it looks right now, and it should be finished within the next week (depending on how motivated I am in the next few days). Went out and got some new shoes and a switchblade. I've been thinking about messaging this girl I've been friends with for a really long time that I don't talk to that much anymore (not that we had some over dramatic falling out or anything, just fell out of contact). Someone else I know always goes on and on about how "crazy" she is, but she says that about everyone. I guess I do that too though. I'm insufferable in the same way that everyone I talk about on here is. Suuuper excited to finish the Brand New page, I think it's one of the best pages I've made so far
November 14, 2022
Silencer - mewithoutYou
Spent today watching Fight Club, making a new about page because the old one didn't fit in with the aesthetic of the rest of this website, and reading The Catcher in the Rye. Started listening to Northstar again because I suddenly remembered them after seeing John Nolan wearing their merch during some TBS show in 2002. I was super obsessed with them at the start of 2022, but stopped caring because a month later I remembered how good La Dispute was.
Finally deleted Instagram because I never had a reason to use it except to talk to people from my school. I don't see the point in talking to people I already know IRL online. Phone calls are cool but nobody seems to be into those anymore.
I always write things on this page and delete certain sentences the next day. I envy good writers!
One more thing: I remembered one out of the three people that I'm still friends with. When I was cleaning out old papers I found a sappy letter she had written to me for Christmas. I turned it around and there seemed to be an aggresive, work in progress poem half-erased on the back. Can't believe it took me two years to notice that. I listened to one of her Spotify playlists the other day and noticed she put all of Science Fiction by Brand New on it. Something about that was just interesting to me.
November 10, 2022
RHODONITE AND GRIEF - La Dispute
Fixed the centering on some pages because I realized they didn't look right when I pulled up this website on different monitors. Almost every page on this website had like 200px of empty space at the top and you'd have to scroll down to see everything. Still need to fix my about page (which should be pretty easy I hope) and "stolen from some great writer", which I haven't updated in forever, and just recently noticed that the text extends completely out of the containers. That's one of the first pages I made for this site and I'm like 70% sure that I just made a container with a white background, and then put the text in a div layered on top of the background div instead of inside the div... embarrasing!
also the background image disappeared while I was attempting to fix the page :(
November 8, 2022
Dog Song - Sweet Pill
Today's my half birthday, which is pretty cool except for it means I turn 18 soon which is pretty upsetting for me because I feel like I didn't really get a childhood and I never got to do any of the cool things other teenagers do. I had friends when I was in school and got invited to do things a few times, but people completely stopped texting me the day I left school. Sometimes people who aren't in high school anymore tell me about how they're so much better off now, but then talk about having a friend group that they always hung out with, and I always cry thinking about it (but I guess I cry easily anyways), but it makes me sadder than anything to think about how I'm not even friends with other outcasts. I just wish I was cool or likeable or social or anything. I've been in a love/hate relationship with one of my only consistent friends since we first met about 10 years ago. He's just annoying, in the same way that I am. I've cut ties with him a million times (about once a year), most recent being a week or two ago. I can think about 3 people who I would be very glad to never talk to again, and he's one of them!
I might try playing my bass again, sometimes I really want to be in a band, but I have social anxiety and am a really lousy writer despite wanting to be a poet.
I put my other computer in my room finally (I had it in a spare bedroom because I didn't think I'd have room in my bedroom, but I hate leaving my room so I'd never use it), so I have little to no reason to use my laptop. I was super behind on my schoolwork (everyone hates edgenuity for some reason but I think it's fine), so I've been putting a lot of my time into that. However, my brain can only do so much actual things, so I don't feel like working on this website anymore, or drawing, painting, making friendship bracelets for myself, or any of the other stuff I used to do before I got too depressed. My current non-school activities include: playing overwatch, thinking about ideas for this website and never fulfilling them, daydreaming, watching youtube videos, going on reddit, and listening to emo music and uncontrollably crying when a song mentions having friends.
I actually saw one of my friends at the mall a few weeks ago. About seven or eights months earlier I was having severe mood swings due to untreated mental illness and got into an argument (more like a very passive-aggresive conversation) with her and ruined any chance of having a good summer. I feel so conflicted about it because since that happened I completely stopped seeing people and it makes me so lonely and depressed, but at the same time I hated spending time with that friend group. When this happened I actually wrote out everything that happened on this website but I took everything before September off of this page because I was scared for people to read it, but I may go through everything and add some of them on here again. Anyways, I saw her and it was just a very awkward exchange of "uhhhh, how are you?" mixed with nervous laughter for what felt like the longest 30 seconds of my life. My mom encouraged me that maybe I should reach out to her again, and for a while I was hopeful that our interaction would've been the catalyst for becoming friends again, but it was so painfully awkward that she probably didn't want to talk to me. Sometimes I think about texting her and saying sorry, but I know her so well that I know she's going to tell everyone we know that I finally broke our 7 month silence. Maybe next time I see my therapist we can construct a message together and send it to her just to see what happens.
I hate using twitter and instagram. Instagram's still installed on my phone if any one of my old friends texts me, and the only reason I really ever update my twitter is because Cat Marnell follows me. If she ever unfollows me then I'll finally be free from using twitter. I actually really like using tumblr and reddit. Neocities is cool too because I can just talk and talk and talk on this page because no one else wants to hear it. Maybe I should send this page to my therapist so she can know what my thought process is when I'm by myself and not feeling put on the spot because I know my appointment will be over in less than an hour.
"next time you cut ties, go a little deeper."
November 3, 2022
Safer in the Forest/Love Song for Poor Michigan - La Dispute
Spent today listening to La Dispute, organizing my Spotify playlist, doing schoolwork, and being annoyed with my friend because I've been telling him to listen to Bright Eyes for months now and he's only just now listened to them because some Swedish girl on the internet does. It snowed today which I'm really happy about. I don't really talk to my parents at all anymore. I have the type of mom that prioritizes the dog and doesn't respond when you try to talk to her, and the type of dad who goes on unhinged rants about far-right conspiracy theories and falls asleep while you're trying to talk to him.
I think I mentioned before the page I'm making dedicated to all my childhood interests, but I can't find where I said it. I'm really close to finishing one section of it, but I'm really debating putting the page on here because it's so personal and because it's also kind of cringey (which for whatever reason I'm more concerned with). In fact, I'm so embarrased that I don't even want to say what the section is about. :(
My computer is going to be the reason why I die of stress. I have to force myself to take shallow breaths and move as little as possible so the screen doesn't go all staticky. Sometimes when the screen is so bad that it takes nearly 10 minutes of readjusting what angle it's open at, that I just burst into tears and pray that it'll fix itself, in the same way that devoutly religious parents will pray that their child will be healed of disease instead of getting medical help.
I severely need attention. xo
November 1, 2022
Eau d’Bedroom Dancing - Le Tigre
Every 2-3 weeks I back up my files on a flash drive because I'm so scared that one day my computer's just not going to turn on. Sometimes the easiest way to get rid of the screen static issue is to shut my laptop and open it again 20 seconds later, and I did this earlier and my computer shut off and wouldn't turn on for about 2 hours. My computer gets worse and worse each day, and my worst fear is that I'll lose the work in progress pages for this website because I didn't back them up in time.
Once in a while I remember that when I was in 7th grade I'd ride the bus to and from school, and all the elementary school students sat in the front, and the middle school students sat in the back, and I had the misfortune of everyone sitting in the back with me just so happened to be the group of friends who would always tease me. Sometimes I feel like I was just repulsive because people have started to say that when someone is hated or bullied, then they must be really insufferable for that many people to dislike them. I think the reason that this select group of people didn't like me was because I was (am) awful with social skills / social queues, and they thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
So everyday I'd sit by myself while this group of about 6 people would sit in the seats around me, and I'd just read books, and every five or ten minutes someone would start asking me these kind-of normal questions about things I like and the book I was reading, but then as soon as we'd finish out 30 second conversation they'd all start giggling which I'm still pretty confused about nearly five years later. But one day only one of them was on the bus, and I was reading my book as usual, and then suddenly he just started showing me photos and videos of his dog and neither of us said anything and it was kind of a weird but wholesome moment. And I remember this once in a while and it's just so strange to me, but at the same time that was probably the nicest thing that someone besides my mom has done (IRL I mean, the people I've interacted with on neocities have all been really nice).
October 29, 2022
Art Offical - Touché Amoré
I remember seeing someone recommend "...To the Beat of a Dead Horse" and "Parting the Sea Between Brightness and Me" on their website and I couldn't be more grateful because I listened to those recently and they were amazing! I wanted to get into Touché Amoré because I loved their split EP with La Dispute.
Something that really annoys me is when people attempt to critique society, but focus on how people are expressing more creativity than ever, instead of other genuine issues. What's so bad about dyed hair, interesting fashion choices, and people expressing who they are through their apperance?
I'm super stressed about my computer. It's a Microsoft Surface Go 2, and just after the warranty expired (what a coincidence, huh) the screen started having severe issues. A quote from someone else that explains it pretty well is "flickering bands of visual noise similar to a CRT TV with poor reception". At some point I'm going to try 1. connecting my laptop to a monitor (which is so annoying considering the reason I prefer a laptop is because I can just sit in bed all day while working on various things), or 2. taking it to a local shop that fixes broken screens (i think), although I'm not so sure if that may involve actually logging into my laptop and seeing all the cringey things I do online. If anyone I knew irl saw this website I'd probably delete it and never talk to anyone again out of embarrassment.
I'm so sick of my friend, but I'll probably write extensively about him (along with my other (mainly ex-)friends) sometime in the future because I flip so much between absolutely despising him to being completely obsessed with him (not in a way that I'm attracted to him, but in the way where I need attention and he's the only one willing to acknowledge me). Growing up I only had a couple of friends because I was a bit weird and painfully shy, so it's always been hard to maintain friendships, which is why I try so hard to not cut off anyone else, but a lot of the things he says and does makes me so fucking sick.
October 28, 2022
Title Track - Death Cab for Cutie
Thank you to everyone who left a comment on my profile, you're all so kind ♡ I've been working on a page dedicated to a lot of the things that helped me get through a rough childhood, it might be up in a week or so. I'm also considering making a website button so people can link back to this page. I hope to add a section (likely on the site index) for other people's site buttons. Changed the playlist on the home page so it wouldn't be all La Dispute songs.
Wednesday went well, I saw a couple of old friends, I don't really have much to say about that. I talked to my therapist this week and we came up with a plan for me to be able to finish school on time. The issue I'm having is that it's supposed to be at your own pace, but unfortunately I've been depressed and unmotivated and am only ~10% through most of my classes when I had hoped to be 50% through by the end of December.
October 24, 2022
SCENES FROM HIGHWAYS 1981-2009 - La Dispute
I'm currently at the public library writing this, which is across the street from the high school that I used to go to. My parents encourage me to come here at least once every two weeks because they think it will help me to make friends my own age, but what I really do here is read and work on this website and listen to La Dispute and watch other teenagers walk around and hang out with their friends. Sometimes I swear I can see the people I used to be friends with walk in, but it's hard to tell because I usually sit around 100-200 ft. from the entrance. Sometimes I stare at them and maybe they'll look back and recognize me, but I look completely different from the last time anyone saw me. I think I'm going to come again on Halloween (which I have a lot to say about but I have other things that I want to write about today), since the library has this Halloween event every year, that my (former) friends volunteer for, so I'm hoping to maybe see them again. Actually, maybe I'll come every day this week.
Speaking of La Dispute, I finally saw them last week! Of course I've loved them for so long (as you can tell by me mentioning them every time I update this page), but they were so incredible live that I fell in love with them even more. Right after I came home I wrote an embarrassingly emotional rant about how much they mean to me and how amazing they were live.
I don't want to give an exact setlist just to hide exactly where I live, but the setlist for every show was generally the same: all of Wildlife, then the encore is Andria, followed by two other songs. I never realized how much this band meant to me until I went and remembered how good of an album Wildlife was, and the two songs in the encore just so happened to be the first songs that got me into La Dispute.
Sweet Pill (the opening band) was so amazing as well! I had only listened to their album once and I already knew they were good, but they sounded even better live.
When I started writing this I mentioned staring at people that I thought I knew until they noticed, but this time it actually worked and one of my best friends from my junior year came over and talked to me. We talked for nearly two hours, and planned to meet again this Wednesday with our other friend for this cheesy Halloween bingo thing. Something else I had mentioned when I first started writing this (aproximately six hours ago) was the Halloween event the library has every year, but I guess this year it's multiple events, so I picked up a list of them. Some notable events include anime club and LARPing as detectives (their words, not mine!).
October 1, 2022
A Box Full of Sharp Objects - The Used
In a lousy attempt of teenage rebellion, I decided to finally start my American government essay after a conversation with my far-right conspiracy theorist father. Since I've been submitting my schoolwork into an online void instead of a teacher in a traditional public school, I decided to write an essay about equality from a feminist (and slightly socialists) point of view. One of the pros about not having to face a real teacher in person is the feeling of being able to write about whatever I want, instead of bullshitting my way through essays so I can appeal to whatever views my teacher has so I'll get a higher grade.
Anyways, guess what happened! Last night was one of the few times I've ever genuinely cried of happiness, I really couldn't believe it!
September 29, 2022
After The Last Midtown Show - The Academy Is...
Woke up with the worst headache of my life (I think it was becacuse I was depressed last night and decided to start taking various prescription medication from around my house) I felt so shitty that I had to cancel plans with my best friend that I hadn't seen since April 23. I'm sooooo sad because I genuinely love her and she's currently the one of the only people in my life that I'm not completely fed up with, and we've planned things and cancelled several times because she'll have to work or she'll get sick or I'll get sick. I love working on this website more than ever, and for the first time since I started it in April 2021, I'm sooo happy with it! Currently working on shrines to TWICE and Cat Marnell, updated the not found page, not really interesting but I really like it, I'll admit it, I'm totally obsessed with overly-sensitive livejournal and myspace poetry from the 2000's.
September 21, 2022
Bianca Devins - XO_willow☆
On December 24 2021, I had written down a couple paragraphs on my laptop about how I can't properly watch the sun rise from where my bedroom window is positioned, but how 5am was the prettiest time of day during autumn and winter because there would be this blue tint over everything and it wasn't raining anymore but there was still water everywhere. Over the past several months I had completely forgotten about that and only remembered just now because I woke up at 4 and decided to open my window for the first time since December or January. When I was looking through old things I realized that I
ALRIGHT ANYWAYS- I've been working on making a proper index for this website (I mean I do have a proper index, I'm just no satisfied with it) and I started to realize how identical neocities sites have started to become. I made my first site on here in the summer of 2018, and it really felt like everyone was doing their own thing, and all the websites looked unique in some way, but now it seems like everyone has that 2000's anime/japanese inspired website with the same index layout and the fake sanrio and anime ads, and I know my website is probably extremely similar to what I just described (and it really annoys me because I feel like I don't have creativity anymore), but it's just so boring to open up this website and see _____ followed ______ and I'll click on all the websites I've never heard of and they'll all be identical.
It's kind of a meaningless argument because the whole point of neocities is being able to do whatever you want on your website, and there are still a bunch of incredible websites made by amazing people who are so unbelievably creative. I think it mainly just bothers me because I see myself unintentionally making my website looking identical to all the sites I'm criticizing for looking similar, and I feel like I lack the creativity I had when I was thirteen and fourteen.
I like having this page because since I don't have friends anymore, I have to resort to just talking my parents' ears off, but I can just type aimlessly on here and only have to stop when my fingers get sore and I run out of things to say. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because I was able to stop caring about internet drama for a couple of months, and suddenly in the past two weeks I feel like I became addicted to it because I started browsing internet drama forums and Trisha Paytas had her baby (which I could write a whole essay about honestly), and Ice Poseidon came back (his "Mizkif, I brought you into this world and now I'm taking you out" tweet was so insane to me because I remember watching his streams at school and over the summer and mizkif being the camera man, and so many years later live streaming pretty much just imploded in the past week), and Hampton Brandon came back but I don't care to watch him anymore but I feel like I have to because no one ever archives his streams anymore. A lot of times I wonder how my life would be now if I hadn't been on the internet from the age of nine years old (isn't that insane? I made my Tumblr account when I was nine years old. Check my archives and you can see that my posts go back to when I was ten years old
I got accepted into an aeronautical university, but I can't afford to go, but I don't really care that much and don't feel like typing now either and I've spent the past hour writing on this website so I'll probably stop now. Oh also I wrote just over 1000 words in about one hour and the essay I just finished for English is 1778 words but took me two weeks to write and I'm a bit disappointed about that, and I thought it was really beautifully written up until about 3 hours after I submitted it. Listen to Irish Car Bomb by Hot Rod Circuit, they're really underrated.
September 15, 2022
First Reactions After Falling Through the Ice - La Dispute
Recently I've been spending my days lying around, watching reality tv, listening to La Dispute, I went to my therapist the other day and I told her that social interaction felt the same as getting on stage and realizing you forgot all of your lines, she told me that my lines can be whatever I want them to be, because nobody else knows what my lines are either.
September 10, 2022
Dream to Make Believe - Armor for Sleep
1. edit setepmber 15: I've removed every thing from 2021 because I can't stand the thought of anyone reading it, and most of it was quotes that I have since moved to this page. Everything under "2021 archive" was copied and pasted directly from an old page on this site, and I had never re-read anything since I first wrote it, so reading it again for the first time in about a year is really making me reconsider if I want all this to remain on my website. Most of my life was and still is staying home sick and being depressed and making very poor decisions and listening to Brand New but I don't really think that's something I want to have on here. Also my writing style really makes me cringe, which is somehow worse than putting everything on my life on the internet. It seems disingenuous to go back and edit what are supposed to be diary entries, but I might so I don't have to deal with my old writing (or I might purposely break the link so no one can read them)
2. My computer is pretty much on life support and had crashed the first time I tried to write this, so I honestly don't know how much I'll be able to keep working on this website before it finally becomes completely unusable.
3. Armor For Sleep's new album is really good. Also I'm seeing La Dispute really soon which I genuinely can't believe since I was listening to them since I was like 10 or 11 years old. If I could see any band it'd be Brand New, but I can't see that happening whatsoever in the next couple of years.
4. I really love Cat Marnell's articles on xoJane
September 9, 2022
The Night Life - The Starting Line
For the first time in almost a year, I finally have a diary page! There's soooo many things I want to write down here, but I'm tired of writing and typing and thinking today. A lot of my diary entries from 2021 haven't really aged well and I ended up eating my words.
listen to this song please