work in progress diary page :)

September 21, 2022

On December 24 2021, I had written down a couple paragraphs on my laptop about how I can't properly watch the sun rise from where my bedroom window is positioned, but how 5am was the prettiest time of day during autumn and winter because there would be this blue tint over everything and it wasn't raining anymore but there was still water everywhere. Over the past several months I had completely forgotten about that and only remembered just now because I woke up at 4 and decided to open my window for the first time since December or January. When I was looking through old things I realized that I kind of threw everything away because of my mental illness and all that. I had more friends than I remembered and was starting to enjoy life again, but I stopped going to school, and confronted one of my friends about something that meant a lot to me, but was probably meaningless to her, and I made all my friends either hate me or forget about me in the span of one month hey that's almost like Edit Your Hometown by La Dispute... "don't make the same mistake as me!!!" I feel like I don't have anywhere to go to start meeting people again, and I started doing online school, so I've just been socially isolated since April.

ALRIGHT ANYWAYS- I've been working on making a proper index for this website (I mean I do have a proper index, I'm just no satisfied with it) and I started to realize how identical neocities sites have started to become. I made my first site on here in the summer of 2018, and it really felt like everyone was doing their own thing, and all the websites looked unique in some way, but now it seems like everyone has that 2000's anime/japanese inspired website with the same index layout and the fake sanrio and anime ads, and I know my website is probably extremely similar to what I just described (and it really annoys me because I feel like I don't have creativity anymore), but it's just so boring to open up this website and see _____ followed ______ and I'll click on all the websites I've never heard of and they'll all be identical.
It's kind of a meaningless argument because the whole point of neocities is being able to do whatever you want on your website, and there are still a bunch of incredible websites made by amazing people who are so creative that I can't even believe it. I think it mainly just bothers me because I see myself unintentionally making my website looking identical to all the sites I'm criticizing for looking similar, and I feel like I lack the creativity I had when I was thirteen and fourteen.

I like having this page because since I don't have friends anymore, I have to resort to just talking my parents' ears off, so I can just type aimlessly on here and only have to stop when my fingers get sore and I run out of things to say. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because I was able to stop caring about internet drama for a couple of months, and suddenly in the past two weeks I feel like I became addicted to it because I started browsing internet drama forums and Trisha Paytas had her baby (which I could write a whole essay about honestly), and Ice Poseidon came back (his "Mizkif, I brought you into this world and now I'm taking you out" tweet was so insane to me because I remember watching his streams at school and over the summer and mizkif being the camera man, and so many years later live streaming pretty much just imploded in the past week), and Hampton Brandon came back but I don't care to watch him anymore but I feel like I have to because no one ever archives his streams anymore. A lot of times I wonder how my life would be now if I hadn't been on the internet from the age of nine years old (isn't that insane? I made my Tumblr account when I was nine years old. Check my archives and you can see that my posts go back to when I was ten years old because I deleted everything at one point after only a few months of having Tumblr and one of those posts is the lyrics to Moshi Moshi by Brand New and that's even crazier to me because I started listening to all these emo bands when I was in fourth grade and now I'm finally seeing La Dispute next month after listening to them for the past eight years, and (I'M SORRY FOR THE RUN ON SENTENCES) when I got pulled out of school a few months back I started watching The Creature Hub (which I feel really cringe for mentioning because I don't think anyone knows who they are anymore) again for the first time since I was like ten or eleven and it made me cry a lot because I remember watching their streams and listening to La Dispute and The Hotelier and Tiny Moving Parts, and reblogging fanart on Tumblr, and seeing fan edits on vine, and feeling special because a post I made about them on Tumblr got 3k notes, AND I JUST REALIZED THIS ENTIRE RUN ON SENTENCE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A COUPLE WORDS PUT INTO PARENTHESIS), and I watched BDTV/Black Screen Media TV/Good Idea Gaming/he goes by Salt now and his content is completely different and I miss watching his streams while riding the bus home after school, and going on kiwifarms and and encyclopedia dramatica and 4chan when I probably should've been doing something that wouldn't have altered my way of thinking in such a severe way and ultimately cause me to be spending my teenage years as a recluse and crying every Friday and Saturday night because I can hear other teenagers have fun and I haven't spoken to someone besides my parents in several months and I can't imagine myself ever having friends again.

I got accepted into an aeronautical university, but I can't afford to go, but I don't really care that much and don't feel like typing now either and I've spent the past hour writing on this website so I'll probably stop now. Oh also I wrote just over 1000 words in about one hour and the essay I just finished for English is 1778 words but took me two weeks to write and I'm a bit disappointed about that, and I thought it was really beautifully written up until about 3 hours after I submitted it. Listen to Irish Car Bomb by Hot Rod Circuit, they're really underrated.

September 15, 2022

Recently I've been spending my days lying around, watching reality tv, listening to La Dispute, I went to my therapist the other day and I told her that social interaction felt the same as getting on stage and realizing you forgot all of your lines, she told me that my lines can be whatever I want them to be, because nobody else knows what my lines are either.

September 10, 2022

1. edit setepmber 15: I've removed every thing from 2021 because I can't stand the thought of any one reading it, and most of it was quotes that I have since moved to this page. Everything under "2021 archive" was copied and pasted directly from an old page on this site, and I had never re-read anything since I first wrote it, so reading it again for the first time in about a year is really making me reconsider if I want all this to remain on my website. Most of my life was and still is staying home sick and being depressed and making very poor decisions and listening to Brand New but I don't really think that's something I want to have on here. Also my writing style really makes me cringe, which is somehow worse than putting everything on my life on the internet. It seems disingenuous to go back and edit what are supposed to be diary entries, but I might so I don't have to deal with my old writing (or I might purposely break the link so no one can read them)

2. My computer is pretty much on life support and had crashed the first time I tried to write this, so I honestly don't know how much I'll be able to keep working on this website before it finally becomes completely unusable.

3. Armor For Sleep's new album is really good. Also I'm seeing La Dispute really soon which I genuinely can't believe since I was listening to them since I was like 10 or 11 years old. If I could see any band it'd be Brand New, but I can't see that happening whatsoever in the next couple of years.

4. I really love Cat Marnell's articles on xoJane

September 9, 2022

For the first time in almost a year, I finally have a diary page! There's soooo many things I want to write down here, but I'm tired of writing and typing and thinking today. A lot of my diary entries from 2021 haven't really aged well and I ended up eating my words.
listen to this song please