Belt - Say Anything
TL;DR: unmotivated, but only for this website!
Is buccal fat removal a trend now? Either way, I did it before it was cool!
Went out for dinner with my parents tonight because it's my mom's birthday. It's kind of cool to have a small family made up of 3 introverts. Hearing people talk about spending the holidays with an absurd amount of extended family sounds like Hell.
I want to change the layout of this page just a bit so I can add images, I really lack ideas for layouts at the moment though. It took soooooo long for the therapy and medication to finally improve my mental state, but now I'm more motivated to do things than ever (... only issue is that it currently doesn't apply to this website!!)
December 13, 2022
Smile In Your Sleep - Silverstein
TL;DR: Thinking about redoing some of the site. Brief rambling about Brand New occurs (as always).
Thinking about making an absurdly in-depth guide to the amount of fucking-over that goes on in the Long Island hardcore scene, but I think I might actually redo a lot of the pages on this site, sorry. The thing is, even if NOBODY reads my rambling on here or anywhere else on this site, I like just having a bunch of documentation of what I'm doing now, what I was doing 5 years ago, etc. I like being able to have a bunch of information on one page (kind of like the cwcki, since most people don't want to have to look through old kiwifarms threads or rewatch Geno's documentary just to find one thing). I don't want to be checking the same livejournal threads over and over again when I could just have everything on here. It's going to be separate from the music page and Brand New shrine and all that simply because it doesn't even feel music related, it just feels like an emo soap opera. Also, it's just so absurdly hilarious to me that it needs to have it's own section.
December 12, 2022
Sunbather - Deafheaven
TL;DR: super happy, lots of ideas that will manifest on this site soon enough!
Ordered a film camera, because I'm that pretentious, and also because I just really like the feel of the type of photos they take. I'm seriously super happy now. This website is probably the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I think I'm going to update my about page with some more information. Currently working on the music page because I finally got some ideas of what to put on it. I tend to ramble a lot, which I learned is actually pretty good for filling some of the space out on this website. I got a comment a few weeks ago saying that my website was "truly.. straight from the heart!" And I think that's a really good representation of what I want 44caliber.net to be, a digital representation of my heart.
I'm soooo happy for tumblr's archive feature because it allows me to see everything I've ever liked and kind of what my personality was like. At the same time it's a bit sad to see how insecure I was and I remember reblogging a lot of pictures of self harm before they banned nsfw content. Accidently slammed my car door on my leg and now I have a huge bruise covering my left calf D: I don't really like Overwatch 2. Playing D.Va is super fun because of all the buffs, but I hate not being able to unlock cosmetics without spending the money, especially because the new skins are so cool. Stayed up late watching SSoHPKC and Uberhaxornova's Minecraft playthroughs for the first time in about 8 years or so.
TL;DR: super happy, lots of ideas that will manifest on this site soon enough!
December 11, 2022
ROYAL - IVE
TL;DR: I'm lazy and my mind is kind of blank
Finally got TDAGARIM in the mail today, I'm going to go back to the record store in a week or two to look for Deja. Was thinking about redoing the layout of this page, but I can't really think of anything yet. I'll probably just wait until having a winter-themed page isn't fitting anymore. I lied about putting a picture of the painting I did on here, because I don't feel like uploading it. I want(ed) to work on this website today, but I've just been sitting at my computer for the past two hours mindlessly scrolling through tumblr and listening to kpop. Some of the ideas I've had for this website were fan pages for Overwatch and various kpop idols, but I'm not even really sure what to put on those kinds of pages. I've seen people talk about what the subject is and then go into what it means to them, but I think I just have issues expressing how much I really love certain things. If I put something on my site and then refuse to look at the page after I've uploaded it, that's how I know I've written something awful.
December 7, 2022
Always and Never - Silverstein
TL;DR: Finished painting, talked to a friend(?) about another (ex-)friend
Going to finish my painting today and send it to my sister, I'll try to put a picture here tomorrow. I'll have a lot more time to work on this website now, which is cool because I finally have a lot more ideas! Not much to say because I've been spending most of my time trying to get that painting done as soon as possible. I'm finally happy again : )
Talked to one of my friends for the first time since April, went really well. I didn't expect to recieve 'Don't feel bad about choosing who to interact with, worse that will happen is someone might be a little upset, don't get so distressed' (extreme paraphrasing here) as advice, I also didn't expect it to work so well. I felt more at ease after that, so I've been able to get a lot more done in the past few days because I'm not wasting as much time contemplating what I should do, what I shouldn't do, etc.
December 4, 2022
Same Logic/Teeth - Brand New
TL;DR: Deleted some of the too-personal stuff on here, talked to someone cool today, Brand New record collection almost finished.
Going through everything on this page and deleting certain things because
Met this really cool photographer today. He was standing outside of the record store taking pictures of people who walked by. Some guy got really upset about it and started recording him with his cellphone. We talked for a minute or two about old man sweaters and how aggro that guy was. Talked to the owner of the record store and he ordered Deja Entendu for me. The Devil and God was just restocked the other day and I finally got the chance to buy it. After I have all 5 of their albums I'm probably not going to go crazy about getting all their singles (I already have Mene and I Am A Nightmare, but I'm not going to go searching for the Jude Law or Quiet Things or Jesus LPs, or anything by The Rookie Lot)
Forcing myself to play Overwatch so I can unlock everything from the battle pass to get my $10 worth (in all honesty, I only wanted it for the DVa skin). Today was fun. I think I finally got over whatever made me hate being around people for 80% of 2022, so I'm going to keep going out and talking to people again.
November 27, 2022
Honest Sleep - Touché Amoré
TL;DR: Spent nearly half of my life on Tumblr
This morning I got an email reading "stolen from some great writer turned 8 today! We hope it was a great year, and we look forward to sharing many more!"... aka my tumblr account turned 8 years old today...
1. I was NINE years old when I made my tumblr D:
2. Next year I turn 18 and my account will be 9 years old, meaning that I will officially have spent half of my life on tumblr
3. Why was 2014 8 years ago? My brain is stuck in 2018...
I'm a bit upset at my ten year old self for deleting every post on my blog in September of 2015. One of the oldest posts that's still up is a screenshot of Skillet from 12oz. Mouse (♥) and I mention it being my 100th post in the tags... I want to see what those first 100 posts were!
November 24, 2022
Screaming - Loathe
TL;DR: I don't want to go to college and rather work retail for the rest of my life (not really), new music page
The other day I got a letter saying I got a scholarship that pays for half of the tuition for one of the best schools in the state. I don't think I want to go. I thought I was really into math and science and all that until I started my senior year and couldn't pick up pre-calculus and physics. My parents are really pushing me to go into computer science (mainly because they think my decent HTML means I'll do well). I took CSC105 this summer, and it was surprisingly fun (it's also the only college course that I've ever really cared enough about to actually put effort into it). But I think the main reason I don't want to go is because I'm really fucking retarded and I don't think my parents have realized that yet.
I might try to get a job at CVS after I learn how to drive, since I feel really guilty whenever my parents spend money on me (thank you mom and dad for funding my obsession with music, even though I'm God awful at playing instruments despite having tried to learn for years ♥)
New layout for the music page, I really like it. The problem is that when I come up with a new layout that I really like, I get the urge to change everything on my site. I think the most I'll do though is just change the fonts on certain pages. I do plan on redoing the lyrics / quotes / whatever page. I really can't stand how it looks. It's also the page with the least effort put into it (but that's pretty obvious)
Goodnight friends, I'm going to go listen to Touché Amoré and redo my English quizzes to get my grade up just in case I severely fuck up on my final exams or something
November 17, 2022
Harder Harmonies - La Dispute
TL;DR: A certain someone from my actual life is reading this and needs to go do something productive instead of putting all their time into keeping up with my online activity. Might reach out to some ex-friends.
I fear someone I know irl might have found this site ;-; I'm super anxious about who it might be and how they found it. Deleting this site and all other social media is my last resort. I really don't want to have to do that, but I've had some strange experiences with people I know irl finding what I do online.
Currently working on a page dedicated to Brand New, I really like how it looks right now, and it should be finished within the next week (depending on how motivated I am in the next few days). Went out and got some new shoes and a switchblade. I've been thinking about messaging this girl I've been friends with for a really long time that I don't talk to that much anymore (not that we had some over dramatic falling out or anything, just fell out of contact). Someone else I know always goes on and on about how "crazy" she is, but she says that about everyone. I guess I do that too though. I'm insufferable in the same way that everyone I talk about on here is. Suuuper excited to finish the Brand New page, I think it's one of the best pages I've made so far.
"next time you cut ties, go a little deeper."
November 14, 2022
Silencer - mewithoutYou
TL;DR: Brief rambling about the early 2000's emo scene, I hate social media
Spent today watching Fight Club, making a new about page because the old one didn't fit in with the aesthetic of the rest of this website, and reading The Catcher in the Rye. Started listening to Northstar again because I suddenly remembered them after seeing John Nolan wearing their merch during some TBS show in 2002. I was super obsessed with them at the start of 2022, but stopped caring because a month later I remembered how good La Dispute was.
Finally deleted Instagram because I never had a reason to use it except to talk to people from my school. I don't see the point in talking to people I already know IRL online. Phone calls are cool but nobody seems to be into those anymore.
I always write things on this page and delete certain sentences the next day. I envy good writers!
One more thing: I remembered one out of the three people that I'm still friends with. When I was cleaning out old papers I found a sappy letter she had written to me for Christmas. I turned it around and there seemed to be an aggresive, work in progress poem half-erased on the back. Can't believe it took me two years to notice that. I listened to one of her Spotify playlists the other day and noticed she put all of Science Fiction by Brand New on it. Something about that was just interesting to me.
November 10, 2022
RHODONITE AND GRIEF - La Dispute
TL;DR: I really don't know what I'm doing when I'm putting pages together
Fixed the centering on some pages because I realized they didn't look right when I pulled up this website on different monitors. Almost every page on this website had like 200px of empty space at the top and you'd have to scroll down to see everything. Still need to fix my about page (which should be pretty easy I hope) and "stolen from some great writer", which I haven't updated in forever, and just recently noticed that the text extends completely out of the containers. That's one of the first pages I made for this site and I'm like 70% sure that I just made a container with a white background, and then put the text in a div layered on top of the background div instead of inside the div... embarrasing!
also the background image disappeared while I was attempting to fix the page :(
November 1, 2022
Eau d’Bedroom Dancing - Le Tigre
TL;DR: My computer is broken, used to know a group of people who weren't really "bullies", but were just super weird around me
Every 2-3 weeks I back up my files on a flash drive because I'm so scared that one day my computer's just not going to turn on. Sometimes the easiest way to get rid of the screen static issue is to shut my laptop and open it again 20 seconds later, and I did this earlier and my computer shut off and wouldn't turn on for about 2 hours. My computer gets worse and worse each day, and my worst fear is that I'll lose the work in progress pages for this website because I didn't back them up in time.
Once in a while I remember that when I was in 7th grade I'd ride the bus to and from school, and all the elementary school students sat in the front, and the middle school students sat in the back, and I had the misfortune of everyone sitting in the back with me just so happened to be the group of friends who would always tease me. Sometimes I feel like I was just repulsive because people have started to say that when someone is hated or bullied, then they must be really insufferable for that many people to dislike them. I think the reason that this select group of people didn't like me was because I was (am) awful with social skills / social queues, and they thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
So everyday I'd sit by myself while this group of about 6 people would sit in the seats around me, and I'd just read books, and every five or ten minutes someone would start asking me these kind-of normal questions about things I like and the book I was reading, but then as soon as we'd finish out 30 second conversation they'd all start giggling which I'm still pretty confused about nearly five years later. But one day only one of them was on the bus, and I was reading my book as usual, and then suddenly he just started showing me photos and videos of his dog and neither of us said anything and it was kind of a weird but wholesome moment. And I remember this once in a while and it's just so strange to me, but at the same time that was probably the nicest thing that someone besides my mom has done (IRL I mean, the people I've interacted with on neocities have all been really nice).
October 29, 2022
Art Offical - Touché Amoré
TL;DR: I like Touche Amore, dyed hair is cool, my computer is broken
I remember seeing someone recommend "...To the Beat of a Dead Horse" and "Parting the Sea Between Brightness and Me" on their website and I couldn't be more grateful because I listened to those recently and they were amazing! I wanted to get into Touché Amoré because I loved their split EP with La Dispute.
Something that really annoys me is when people attempt to critique society, but focus on how people are expressing more creativity than ever, instead of other genuine issues. What's so bad about dyed hair, interesting fashion choices, and people expressing who they are through their apperance?
I'm super stressed about my computer. It's a Microsoft Surface Go 2, and just after the warranty expired (what a coincidence, huh) the screen started having severe issues. A quote from someone else that explains it pretty well is "flickering bands of visual noise similar to a CRT TV with poor reception". At some point I'm going to try 1. connecting my laptop to a monitor (which is so annoying considering the reason I prefer a laptop is because I can just sit in bed all day while working on various things), or 2. taking it to a local shop that fixes broken screens (i think), although I'm not so sure if that may involve actually logging into my laptop and seeing all the cringey things I do online. If anyone I knew irl saw this website I'd probably delete it and never talk to anyone again out of embarrassment.
October 28, 2022
Title Track - Death Cab for Cutie
Thank you to everyone who left a comment on my profile, you're all so kind ♡ I've been working on a page dedicated to a lot of the things that helped me get through a rough childhood, it might be up in a week or so. I'm also considering making a website button so people can link back to this page. I hope to add a section (likely on the site index) for other people's site buttons. Changed the playlist on the home page so it wouldn't be all La Dispute songs.
Wednesday went well, I saw a couple of old friends, I don't really have much to say about that. I talked to my therapist this week and we came up with a plan for me to be able to finish school on time. The issue I'm having is that it's supposed to be at your own pace, but unfortunately I've been depressed and unmotivated and am only ~10% through most of my classes when I had hoped to be 50% through by the end of December.
October 24, 2022
SCENES FROM HIGHWAYS 1981-2009 - La Dispute
I'm currently at the public library writing this, which is across the street from the high school that I used to go to. My parents encourage me to come here at least once every two weeks because they think it will help me to make friends my own age, but what I really do here is read and work on this website and listen to La Dispute and watch other teenagers walk around and hang out with their friends. Sometimes I swear I can see the people I used to be friends with walk in, but it's hard to tell because I usually sit around 100-200 ft. from the entrance. Sometimes I stare at them and maybe they'll look back and recognize me, but I look completely different from the last time anyone saw me. I think I'm going to come again on Halloween (which I have a lot to say about but I have other things that I want to write about today), since the library has this Halloween event every year, that my (former) friends volunteer for, so I'm hoping to maybe see them again. Actually, maybe I'll come every day this week.
Speaking of La Dispute, I finally saw them last week! Of course I've loved them for so long (as you can tell by me mentioning them every time I update this page), but they were so incredible live that I fell in love with them even more. Right after I came home I wrote an embarrassingly emotional rant about how much they mean to me and how amazing they were live.
I don't want to give an exact setlist just to hide exactly where I live, but the setlist for every show was generally the same: all of Wildlife, then the encore is Andria, followed by two other songs. I never realized how much this band meant to me until I went and remembered how good of an album Wildlife was, and the two songs in the encore just so happened to be the first songs that got me into La Dispute.
Sweet Pill (the opening band) was so amazing as well! I had only listened to their album once and I already knew they were good, but they sounded even better live.
When I started writing this I mentioned staring at people that I thought I knew until they noticed, but this time it actually worked and one of my best friends from my junior year came over and talked to me. We talked for nearly two hours, and planned to meet again this Wednesday with our other friend for this cheesy Halloween bingo thing. Something else I had mentioned when I first started writing this (aproximately six hours ago) was the Halloween event the library has every year, but I guess this year it's multiple events, so I picked up a list of them. Some notable events include anime club and LARPing as detectives (their words, not mine!).
September 29, 2022
After The Last Midtown Show - The Academy Is...
Woke up with the worst headache of my life (I think it was becacuse I was depressed last night and decided to start taking various prescription medication from around my house) I felt so shitty that I had to cancel plans with my best friend that I hadn't seen since April 23. I'm sooooo sad because I genuinely love her and she's currently the one of the only people in my life that I'm not completely fed up with, and we've planned things and cancelled several times because she'll have to work or she'll get sick or I'll get sick. I love working on this website more than ever, and for the first time since I started it in April 2021, I'm sooo happy with it! Currently working on shrines to TWICE and Cat Marnell, updated the not found page, not really interesting but I really like it, I'll admit it, I'm totally obsessed with overly-sensitive livejournal and myspace poetry from the 2000's.
September 21, 2022
Bianca Devins - XO_willow☆
On December 24 2021, I had written down a couple paragraphs on my laptop about how I can't properly watch the sun rise from where my bedroom window is positioned, but how 5am was the prettiest time of day during autumn and winter because there would be this blue tint over everything and it wasn't raining anymore but there was still water everywhere. Over the past several months I had completely forgotten about that and only remembered just now because I woke up at 4 and decided to open my window for the first time since December or January. When I was looking through old things I realized that I
ALRIGHT ANYWAYS- I've been working on making a proper index for this website (I mean I do have a proper index, I'm just no satisfied with it) and I started to realize how identical neocities sites have started to become. I made my first site on here in the summer of 2018, and it really felt like everyone was doing their own thing, and all the websites looked unique in some way, but now it seems like everyone has that 2000's anime/japanese inspired website with the same index layout and the fake sanrio and anime ads, and I know my website is probably extremely similar to what I just described (and it really annoys me because I feel like I don't have creativity anymore), but it's just so boring to open up this website and see _____ followed ______ and I'll click on all the websites I've never heard of and they'll all be identical.
It's kind of a meaningless argument because the whole point of neocities is being able to do whatever you want on your website, and there are still a bunch of incredible websites made by amazing people who are so unbelievably creative. I think it mainly just bothers me because I see myself unintentionally making my website looking identical to all the sites I'm criticizing for looking similar, and I feel like I lack the creativity I had when I was thirteen and fourteen.
I like having this page because since I don't have friends anymore, I have to resort to just talking my parents' ears off, but I can just type aimlessly on here and only have to stop when my fingers get sore and I run out of things to say. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because I was able to stop caring about internet drama for a couple of months, and suddenly in the past two weeks I feel like I became addicted to it because I started browsing internet drama forums and Trisha Paytas had her baby (which I could write a whole essay about honestly), and Ice Poseidon came back (his "Mizkif, I brought you into this world and now I'm taking you out" tweet was so insane), and Hampton Brandon came back but I don't care to watch him anymore but I feel like I have to because no one ever archives his streams anymore. A lot of times I wonder how my life would be now if I hadn't been on the internet from the age of nine years old (isn't that insane? I made my Tumblr account when I was nine years old. Check my archives and you can see that my posts go back to when I was ten years old
I got accepted into an aeronautical university, but I can't afford to go, but I don't really care that much and don't feel like typing now either and I've spent the past hour writing on this website so I'll probably stop now. Oh also I wrote just over 1000 words in about one hour and the essay I just finished for English is 1778 words but took me two weeks to write and I'm a bit disappointed about that, and I thought it was really beautifully written up until about 3 hours after I submitted it. Listen to Irish Car Bomb by Hot Rod Circuit, they're really underrated.
September 15, 2022
First Reactions After Falling Through the Ice - La Dispute
Recently I've been spending my days lying around, watching reality tv, listening to La Dispute, I went to my therapist the other day and I told her that social interaction felt the same as getting on stage and realizing you forgot all of your lines, she told me that my lines can be whatever I want them to be, because nobody else knows what my lines are either.
September 10, 2022
Dream to Make Believe - Armor for Sleep
1. edit setepmber 15: I've removed every thing from 2021 because I can't stand the thought of anyone reading it, and most of it was quotes that I have since moved to this page. Everything under "2021 archive" was copied and pasted directly from an old page on this site, and I had never re-read anything since I first wrote it, so reading it again for the first time in about a year is really making me reconsider if I want all this to remain on my website. Most of my life was and still is staying home sick and being depressed and making very poor decisions and listening to Brand New but I don't really think that's something I want to have on here. Also my writing style really makes me cringe, which is somehow worse than putting everything on my life on the internet. It seems disingenuous to go back and edit what are supposed to be diary entries, but I might so I don't have to deal with my old writing (or I might purposely break the link so no one can read them)
2. My computer is pretty much on life support and had crashed the first time I tried to write this, so I honestly don't know how much I'll be able to keep working on this website before it finally becomes completely unusable.
3. Armor For Sleep's new album is really good. Also I'm seeing La Dispute really soon which I genuinely can't believe since I was listening to them since I was like 10 or 11 years old. If I could see any band it'd be Brand New, but I can't see that happening whatsoever in the next couple of years.
4. I really love Cat Marnell's articles on xoJane
September 9, 2022
The Night Life - The Starting Line
For the first time in almost a year, I finally have a diary page! There's soooo many things I want to write down here, but I'm tired of writing and typing and thinking today. A lot of my diary entries from 2021 haven't really aged well and I ended up eating my words.
listen to this song please