i know that someday you'll be sleeping, darling, likely dreaming off the pain

i hope you'll hear me in the streetlight's humming, softly breathing out your name

i know that even with the seams stitched tightly, darling, scars will remain

i say we scrape them from each other, darling
and let them wash off in the rain

and when they run into the river, oh no
let the water not complain

i swear that even with the distance, slowly
wearing out your name

your hands still catch the light the right way, and our hearts still beat the same

and our hearts still beat the same

"i'm insecure and i need attention!"

welcome to fourty-four caliber dot net
(a struggling project due to perfectionism and the need to conform)
view on desktop please

and you've cried once more because recognition feels like forgiveness, which is a burning furnace that can't stand on its own. love is a feast but you've learned to abstain. there is a sickness that follows the shame of giving with love only to be met with slaughter.

find me here:

recent updates:
Jan. 22: finally updated music page again
Jan. 20: fixed spelling/grammar mistakes,
new diary entry
Jan. 16: various small updates, new diary layout
Dec. 7: new layout for quote page,
updated music page, + other small updates
to other pages ♡


lifetimes live to die. for a moment in the turnaround, i was waiting in the car in drive, watched you hurry across the parking lot. image of your life in your mind fades, and I could see an anxious strength in you, brave the borne pain. leaning by front door on your cell phone. summer at the convalescent home. "kill me by surprise, " you said, "i don't want to stay alive." in the winter on the porch, in the window of the door, i watch in the kitchen. you with your notebook open, frozen in the cold when i come back with wine at the end of every long night. take a moment you need to just breathe. whole days in treatment plants. aphasic patients, apraxia of speech. weeks and months go by like this. we function on routines. we sleep, we eat, we read. we eat, we drink, we sleep. we keep her picture on the fridge, i keep a rabbit toy for kids. you give me strength to fix myself, i gave you tokens, toys, and gifts to help you grieve. you said, "kill me by surprise," again "i don't want to stay alive." winter, we huddled in anger. spring, sadness sinking in. summer, accept all departures. then autumn, start again. i drove around for hours, for gifts to help you heal, memories we parted once the seasons of our grief. rhodonite for stress relief, promethazine for sleep, a rabbit toy for children, my deep condolences.