.44 caliber
love letter
May/June 2026
01. 44caliber updates and thoughts
This month was spent remaking the Burn, Piano Island, Burn page and the homepage, and making the page you are currently on. I originally had this idea in December of 2025, and made a page that I put some content on but never really updated again. This was on the new website I had made, then later abandoned, after 44caliber.net was deleted.

I feel like this website has lost a lot of personality once I got rid of a lot of the personal writing because I’m embarrassed of my own existence. For example, I’m really unsure about the Burn, Piano Island, Burn page because it’s inspired so heavily by the liner notes included in the vinyl, and not a single word on that page is my own. I feel like my writing is so cringey and terrible though, so I’m pretty iffy about turning a cool page about a great album into a fangirl page gushing over how much I love The Blood Brothers (even though I did exactly that for Brand New). The other part is that I’ve already remade that page about two or three times and I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting time on it when I could be making new pages to give this website more variety. That being said, I have another Blood Brothers page that I’m planning to make… lol… GAWD. If there’s anyone who still visits this website who also read it about three or four years ago, you may remember how no matter what I’d be writing about, Brand New managed to be mentioned without fail EVERY TIME. I’m trying to avoid that here, but it’s not working out too well.

Recently I remade my homepage for the first time in years. There have been small changes over time but this is the first really major change in layout since 2022 or 2023. I’m a bit nervous and unsure about it. Complements on my website are always so validating but changing things becomes really nerve wracking because what if people hate the new version? Oh well. My biggest problem with the new homepage is that I haven’t come up with a way to fit all my 100x100 graphics :(

Overall, I've just been in an insane creative rut these past few months, and not even just in regards to this website. I can never quite fully come up with ideas enough to actually execute them. I hate feeling like I'm taking too much inspiration to the extent where things stop feeling like my own. There's no satisfaction in that.
The Swan

Dear God this show is weird. Each episode features two women who are deeply insecure about their appearance, and almost always have some issues in their life they haven't worked out (it's all very trauma porn), who then visit a plastic surgeon to "fix" their looks. The surgeon (Dr. Terry Dubrow of "Botched" fame) comes up with procedures customized to the women's insecurities (almost every woman ends up with a brow lift, its prevalence in this show is heavy to an absurd extent). Then, he proceeds to DO EVERY PROCEDURE IN ONE DAY, and these procedures often include changing almost the entire face and body (breast augmentation and liposuction are other things that are mentioned in basically every episode). For the following three months, the women are kept mostly isolated in a house without mirrors and are instructed to follow a strict diet (typically 1200 calories a day, I think the highest that a woman was allowed was 1700) and go to the gym multiple times a week (sometimes every day). All of this while their bodies are trying to recover from multiple major surgeries. Of course their bodies physically try to keep on weight after going through that trauma, but they get scolded for not losing it quick enough. They get to see a therapist once a week.

So, after all of this, the two women featured in the episode are brought to this mansion, and this whole part has such weird fucking cult vibes it's really bizarre. The women are brought in individually, with new hair, makeup, and nice evening gowns, to see their new faces. Then, the women meet each other, and one of them is judged and selected as the "winner" of that episode. Imagine that, you go through all these procedures and hard work to become attractive, and you still end up losing the appearance olympics to another woman. The losing woman is then surprised with a visit from her family, and it's always rough to think about how the young children probably no longer recognize their mother.
I'm telling you the end of every episode feels like cult initiation. Like these previously "plain" looking women are brought into a fancy place surrounded by their surgeons/dentist/physical trainer/therapist, who have been the only people in these women's lives for the past three months, and when they're brought in it feels like a ritual because they stand in front of these huge curtains as everyone watches, and when the curtains open they are faced with their new, unrecognized, traditionally beautiful selves, and the energy is like "you're suddenly valid like the rest of us standing here because we made you beautiful with our swan program" (which is what they actually call it, btw)

At the end of the season, the winners from each episode are brought in for a pageant. In every episode it's always like "zOMG if this woman doesn't just suck it up and ignore her physical and mental suffering how is she going to make it to the pageant!!!", but like the women themselves never seem to mention it, it's always the narrator. During the pageant each women walks out individually, all dolled up, does a pose, then leaves the stage, and they're judged for.... who knows what... by a panel of judges. Then they all come out again modelling bikinis, and are judged again, then they all stand off to the side as the host lists a handful of names as the semifinalists. The semifinalists are brought out now wearing lingerie, judged again, then the winner is chosen. Some of the women appear to be having fun, some look like they're completely dissociating. Very strange to watch.

Anyway, apparently this show was lost media but you can now view it here. If any of this sounds interesting to you, there's a lot more information on the Lost Media Wiki. Like I said, the whole thing has a very cultish energy to it that I just can't get over. I read a comment theorizing that a possible reason why this show was so hard to find for a while is because Dr. Dubrow wanted to clean up his reputation before Botched.

D A U G H T E R S
"Just when you get to the age where anything sounds more appealing than sifting through the bush-league releases of the day, Daughters comes through with an untouchable new record absolutely snuffing out your now-so-surly being. This, folks, is exactly the kind of record that satisfies every cultural/musical requisite a critical listener possesses."



The Hit A white man, in a white suit, on a white horse rides into town, he rides off that dusty ol' trail. He rides into town, not just any town. I'm talking d-e-a-d-e-n-d, with integrity and his heart on his sleeve. He hopes they are going to buy what he believes. Every fool and every fiend. That's a population of one hundred and three. A cure to their unchristian-like ways. With a simple process of "drawing out", through one hole in the top of the skull. Then a snip, a cut and a couple of knots tied off. He offers to make them as good as new. "Better than you're used to." Sadly, the locals don't take kindly to this well intentioned man. They don't want a hand out from him. Instead, they take offense to a man coming into their town looking to tell right from wrong. That's when the situation goes from bad to worse. As they string him up at the town hall, it appears our smart-ass should have kept along that dusty, lonely trail. They tell him "the hands are the eyelids of the soul."

The Theatre Goer Six million jaws hit the theatre floor. As I rest my hand in something wet and warm, I feel you watching from the corner of your eye. If you move closer to me, I won't mind. Just make it last. It's your skin, your hands, your face that's coming on, but it's regret that makes the cab ride home such a drag.

You Won't Get What You Want
1. City Song
2. Long Road, No Turns
3. Satan in the Wait
4. The Flammable Man
5. The Lords Song
6. Less Sex
7. Daughter
8. The Reason They Hate Me /
9. Ocean Song /
10. Guest House
Don't tell me how to do my job, while you carry on like a son of a bitch. They got a name for people like you, but I didn't take the time to write it down. You have a lot of fun playing grab-ass with the boys. Which one's gonna give you a ride home? Which one's gonna walk you to the door? Wonder which one's gonna call? Maybe the sun waits for you to be shown what to do. And pretend. Don't tell me how to do my job, you gimme-gimme son of a bitch. They got a name for people like you, but I don't give a good goddamn to remember what it is. You're hoping that emotionless trips gonna pay-off. You're gonna hope and wish all day. If you could slide a couple fingers under the skin, do you think you'd find that affirmation that you need?
5/1:
Thursday - Full Collapse
Thursday - War All The Time
Thursday - A City By The Light Divided

BILLIONS MUST LISTEN TO THURSDAY! I don't talk about them much on this website but they are for sure one of the best post-hardcore bands of all time. Understanding In A Car Crash still blows me away years later.

Red Light Green Light - Music Theory Is For Suckers

If you're into post-hardcore with synths, you should totally listen to this

Taken Too Far - Cold Enough To Sleep
5/2:
Moneen - Are We Really Happy With Who We Are Right Now?
Resonate - Tell Yourself It's Paranoia
Kairon; IRSE! - Ujubasajuba
5/3:
Fashion Tips - I Wish You Every Success
Jimmy Eat World - Clarity

There was a short period in which I stopped listening to emo and pop-punk and all those other adjacent genres. Jimmy Eat World (along with Brand New, of course) was one of the first bands I listened to when getting back into this sort of music.

Hot Rod Circuit - Sorry About Tomorrow

Originally heard of HRC because their song Irish Car Bomb (which isn't featured on this album) was on the soundtrack for Beer: The Movie, which I found through the Flying at Tree Level by Brand New.

5/4:
The Early November - The Room's Too Cold
5/5:
The Blood Brothers - Burn, Piano Island, Burn

I think it's impossible to feel sad while listening to this album. Something about Crimes makes me feel a bit down, and Young Machetes makes me sad simply because it was their final album. ~ when i walk, i walk alone, operator come on. when i watch you through the phone, operator come on... ~ operator-rator won't you tell me again, operator-rator yeah you're my only friend ~

The Blood Brothers - Crimes
5/6:
The Academy Is... - The Academy
5/7:
Alexisonfire - Alexisonfire

The album where this website's name comes from. There must be some sort of mind control in their songs to make me want to slit my wrists. How can an album still hurt so bad??

Terrifying Girls High School - Ghastly Girls' Horticulture Club
5/8:
Daughters - Daughters
Daughters - You Won't Get What You Want
New Juche Whores of Leith - Special Edition
5/9:
Glassjaw - Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Silence
Glassjaw - Worship and Tribute
5/10:
The Blood Brothers - Young Machetes
5/17:
Die Montir Batss / A.S.T - Split EP
Black Cat #13 - I Blast Off!
Q and Not U - No Kill No Beep Beep

"This was the makeout record of 2000-2001. I feel despair sometimes knowing I'll never be a 17-18 year old making out with a shotgun haircut. Weep for me." - Quote from a RYM article about sasscore that I lost the link to

5/23:
A Skylit Drive - Wires...And the Concept of Breathing
Smart Went Crazy - Con Art
5/24:
The Soviettes - LP III
Daughters - Hell Songs
Daughters - Canada Songs
5/25:
FALL - fallistheseason
Saosin - Saosin
5/26:
Head Wound City - Self Titled
5/27:
Paint By Numbers - Plastic
Deafheaven - Sunbather

First time properly listening in years, I used to really love this album. Originally discovered this in 2015 when the song Dream House was featured on an episode of Adult Swim's Off The Air.

5/28:
An Albatross - We Are The Lazer Viking
5/29:
All Leather - When I Grow Up I Want To Fuck Like A Girl
How many mentions of The Blood Brothers on this website is too much?
...because for some reason, they're really all I think of these days. I’ve come to sort of think of USA Nails as the song that made me a fan of The Blood Brothers. Of course it was having Ambulance vs Ambulance (which is probably my actual favorite song off that record) on repeat for weeks that caused me to finally listen to Burn, Piano Island, Burn in its entirety, but after listening through it a couple times in the background while doing other things, the middle section of USA Nails made me stop dead in my tracks. I just remember thinking, “Wait, what is he saying?? I should probably start actually paying attention to what’s happening in this album…”
I purchased a copy of the Jungle Rules Live DVD, the performance of Jennifer on it is really good btw, and the ebay seller also just happened to live FIVE MINUTES away from me. How crazy. I can’t bring myself to read youtube comments and reddit threads where people talk about how they got to see them live because I’ll start crying. I much prefer Jordan’s voice to Johnny’s (sorry T^T), but I find myself listening to Johnny’s other projects so much more than Head Wound City and Past Lives. I’m one of probably very few people to be a fan of Jaguar Love before having even heard of The Blood Brothers. But to quote myself from last month: Since getting into them I’ve been conditioned to always expect to hear Jordan and Johnny’s voices together, so now Jaguar Love/Neon Blonde/Head Wound City/Past Lives songs feel weirdly lonely to me. In my head they’re like two bonded puppies that can only be adopted together.








Flyers and Magazines



Last Collapse in AMP 5 Oct-Nov 2003


June in AMP 16

Bullet Train To Vegas in AMP 15


Inmemory in AMP 12
All of the previous magazine clippings come from AMP magazine, specifically issues 12, 15, and 16

Looking at old show flyers, tour lineups, and magazines are so painful for me because I never got to experience such a great era for myself! :( Did the people back then know how good they had it at the time? Let's all weep together.







Miu Miu in Vogue Italia, 2004
Art

Idylle de Guerre by Chéri Hérouard for La Vie Parisienne, October 1918

Saint Anthony Preaching to the Fish, anonymous, Italy 1518

From Advanced Course in Homemaking by Maude Richman Calvert and Leila Bunce Smith, 1939

"Kitsune" by oleksiignievyshev on tumblr, 2025

Ikuko Hatoyama