All of my darkness is a result of my own creation, it is the fruit of my thoughts planted continuously and with too much repetition.




Solitude is endless. A whole new world. The desert.

I am thinking -talking -in images. I don't know how to write them down. Every feeling is physical.

Maybe that's why I can't write -or write so badly now. In the desert, all ideas are experimental in the body.




But all the while he's playing there's a humming
Coming up and through the window from outside.
And even he has to admit a certain melody in it,
But then why can't he harmonize?

It's like the city's got it's own song but he can't play along.
He sees the notes as they fly by, but always plays them wrong.
And in the bathroom it gets blurry, gets warm and distorted,
Like light pushed the orange of the pillbox he poured in his palm.
It falls to the floor, he smiles as it hits,
"Sounds a little like an instrument"




"Up home we wear a hat like that to shoot dear in, for Chrissake," he said. "That's a deer shooting hat."

"Like hell it is." I took it off and looked at it. I sort of closed one eye, like I was taking aim at it. "This is a people shooting hat," I said. "I shoot people in this hat."




"Kill me by surprise,"
You said, "I don't want to stay alive"

Lifetimes live to die
Aphasic patients, apraxia of speech
We function on routines
We sleep, we eat, we read
We eat, we drink, we sleep
We keep her picture on the fridge
I keep a rabbit toy for kids

You give me strength to fix myself
I gave you tokens, toys, and gifts to help you grieve

You said, "Kill me by surprise," again
"I don't want to stay alive"

Winter, we huddled in anger
Spring, sadness sinking in
Summer, accept all departures
Then autumn, start again

I drove around for hours
For gifts to help you heal

Rhodonite for stress relief
Promethazine for sleep
A rabbit toy for kids
My deep condolences

Lifetimes live to die




I've been watching a slow thaw come around
I've been waiting in the cold and hazy blue
I've been driving alone out to the edge of town
I've been thinking to much of you

I've been thinking of exile
I've been thinking hit the highway and head up North
I've been thinking cross the bridge and don't turn back
The only warmth is a warmth alone




this is me with the words on the tip of my tongue any my eye through the scope down the barell of a gun
this is you trying hard to make sure that you're seen with a girl on your arm and your heart on your sleeve




in the mirror with your eyes wide
trace outlines ask for wine
but you never look away when you do
your eyes don't move; i never move mine from you
and i watch you, your reversal
it's an honest thing when there's no one there
some days they feel like dress rehearsals
some days i watch and you don't care
there are moments here only yours and mine
tiny dots on an endless timeline





this is the grace only we can bestow
this is the price you pay for loss of control
this is the break in the bend
this is the closest of calls
this is the reason you're alone
this is the rise and the fall!





you call that love, not because it is, but because you want it to be because you're so goddamned lonely, so goddamned unable to handle the ocean roar in your ears when you're alone. you tell yourself that the ash in your lungs is as good as a kiss goodnight, and you write poems about the smoke tendrils whispering off her lips. how beautiful they are, how like the aching arms of god you always wanted them to be.

and then there's another blade. and there's another bottle of pills. a fifth of vodka. a hospital visit. two weeks of inpatient while your whole family prays for you to get better.




plaid skirts that hide love, walk in single file, ties that restrict blood from the brain.
passing notes in math class, it's a coming of age story. freedom wears the scars of desire.

conflicting impulses.

anxious eyes stare out of warped glass, waiting for the three o'clock bell.

I'm trying hard to forget that cold October day, when Love challenged Freedom to a fist fight. Freedom looked victorious, but no one was expecting the outcome on that baseball diamond... When Love reached beneath her plaid jumper, pulled out a switch blade, and drove it directly through the heart of St. Angeles.

any notion of self-government was left by love bleeding on the pitcher's mound.




your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation
you're spending all the night's growing old in your bed
and you're tearing up your photos because you want to forget
it's over




always feel astonished

when i was younger i was sure i was from another planet. i felt sent here from another world. only i had forgotten my mission. i had forgotten how to call home.

only to realize that i was as normal as the boy to my right or left

now you have the whole world at your feet and you can't find the words to say.

it feels the same.

now they boo

this towns dry and i aint talking about

oil

or

booze


its

love



Left Column:
01. Jodi Arias
02. Susan Sontag, As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980
03. Harder Harmonies - La Dispute
04. The Catcher in the Rye
05. RHODONITE AND GRIEF - La Dispute
06. Safer in the Forest/Love Song for Poor Michigan - La Dispute
07. Timberwolves At New Jersey - Taking Back Sunday
08. Woman (In Mirror) - La Dispute
09. Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't - Brand New
10. like blood from a stone - Old Gray
11. A Dagger Through the Heart of St. Angeles - Alexisonfire
12. Soco Amaretto Lime - Brand New
13. Pete Wentz livejournal

Right Column:
01. Pete Wentz livejournal
02. Pete Wentz livejournal
03. Mayday Parade
04. Fairmount - La Dispute
05. Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't - Brand New
06. Rigged and Ready - Northstar
07. Title credit to Fall Out Boy, poem credit to Ryan Ross (from livejournal I believe)
08. Fairmount - La Dispute
09. Fairmount - La Dispute
10. like blood from a stone - Old Gray
11. I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me - Fall Out Boy
12. Bonus Mosh Pt.II - Taking Back Sunday
13. The No Seatbelt Song - Brand New
14. lolcow.farm
15. Boston - Moose Blood

"there are plenty of fish in the sea" quip pretty fisherman on boats in stocked lakes and fish farms. of all of god's jokes, i am the most cruel.
one day you will love me, medicate yourselves
you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, i'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds
oh crashing aeroplane, where were you the day she left me?
i just want to believe, i just want to believe, i just want to believe (...in us)
Raccoon eyed and skin whiter than heaven's best fighter. I wish I was missing...
do your part to save the scene
and i feel nothing anymore, so just keep walking away. thirty-thousand steps. i'll watch you for every second and never feel alone.
lay your scars out in rows, it was my weakness that couldn't save us
He's a cruel boy, with eyes like shotguns and razorwire
douse yourself in cheap perfume it's so fitting for the way you are, can't cover it up.
"can't you, can't you feel it, rolling off your lips, tensing up your shoulders, come on... well it's love, make it hurt!"
but how could i miscalculate... perfect eyes will have perfect aim
She's leaving the internet in a very "I'm going to go off myself, woe is me!" way. Hopefully she did but who knows.
Bored with nothing to do but lay around listening to Deja Entendu, thinking about you