Since the anniversary of the Parkland school shooting was yeasterday, I saw a video featuring the timeline of the shooting with pictures and videos taken by the students. It's very distressing, the osunds of gunshots, teenagers crying, and the blaring fire alarm. The videos of bloodied students being carried out by police too. That, paired with the video of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris' friend crying outside of Columbine high shcool, makes me reconsider what I'm really doing when I talk about killers on the internet. Luckily I'm not disillusioned to the point of professing my love, or even having positive thought, for any killer.
I feel bad for Dylann from the perspective that I'm so similar to him. It's a very self-centered way of thinking, I know. I remember the first time I really read about him, I was shocked at how similar we were. I can see how he was able to be led so astray. I've seen some people suggest that if he just had someone to talk to or just get him on the right track, then this all could've been prevented. In my opinion, he seems like the type to have been very indifferent to other people and mostly lack enjoyment in social relationships. I think the schizoid diagnosis fits him well. As for his friends who knew what he was going to do, the obvious answer is that if they had just reported him to authorities, this wouldn't have happened. But Dylann would still go to prison. The ideal outcome would've been that Dylann changed his mind before telling anyone and got the help he needed. I briefly clicked through the court files the other day. I swear I'll actually look through all of them one day. The files are each numbered, but while looking at the crime scene photos (bullets inside the church, etc.), I noticed that some of the numbers are skipped. Like this: 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38 , 48. The picture for 38 is Dylann's bloody footprints as he walked through the church. The thought of what could possibly be in 39-47 is very harrowing. I'll be busy for the next few days, but once I've got some free time I'll look through every single file and download the interesting ones. For some reason, looking at the scenic photos that he wasn't in fills me with more sorrow than anything else about the case (well, maybe besides the thought of him trying to kill himself at the end of the shooting only to realize he was out of bullets...). I think when you first glance at the photos he was in, it could be easy to assume that they were taken by somebody else. But the pictures with one one in them seems to reinforce the feeling of loneliness that he must have felt.
But what I was thinking about is how my way of thinking about him/the shooting would change if there was footage of it similar to Parkland. Seeing those pictures and videos makes it feel a lot more real. I fear that when I read about heinous crimes like that, my brain can'[t really comprehend that this is something that actually happened in real life. I tthink there's one 911 call from the church shooting. I've listened to it once or twice.
I remember this time last year when I would write I'd octen go into tangents about Brand New. Every single time, I'd always find some way to bring them up. I guess that's what's happening now, where I always have to talk about Dylann Roof. It's a really weird thing, and I'm a bit embarrassed about it.
I originally wrote this on my phone and am typing it out here at 1:03 pm. I didn't realize I had written so much. I'll come back later and finish it.
For the record, I do not condone the actions of any killers I talk about here, nor do I have any plans to hurt myself or others.